Et CeteraTHE CHURCH OF ENGLAND
Umpteen followers, zero believers. No one will behead you if you set fire to the War Cry. Light up at will. YOU'VE HEARD OF THE HORSE WHISPERER Now meet the horse kicker, Mrs Moulds of Lincolnshire, known to her friends as Wallop. DIRECTOR OF BRITISH MUSEUM found stuck to the frieze of the Athens Parthenon. Fears he has lost his marbles. SPANISH FA CHIEF, HAL ITOSIS, REGRETS kissing SirJohn Eliot Gardener on the lips. MARALAGOITIS Symptoms, very red neck, loss of vision, withdrawal from world and human race, excess of bile and hatred, highly contagious, no known cure, listed in DSM 5 with label, Beware. MORE HOT IN NUMBER 5, PLEASE HOW RED SPOTTY TOOK OVER THE WORLD When it outsold my first book, I considered withdrawing it from sale. Too much money was pouring in. I wanted to leave some for Elon and Zucky. And who’d have guessed my book on Rugby Union Coaching would be such a hit? Damn, it was short enough. Rule One: if a team mate passes the ball to you, catch it. Rule two, do not drop it. Rule three score a try. World-wide best seller despite the Observer saying it was too technical. Translated into umpteen languages, including all the curly-wurly ones. And my meds biz is blazing it. The Trump anti-inflammatories are selling like crazy. TOOK MY GIRL FRIEND TO A CONCERT It was her first visit to a Prom. She found it rather loud. Nearly deafened the maiden. A PAIR OF HEAVYWEIGHT NUTTERS Freud and Jung. One peddling medicalised Christianity and the other believing in exploding wardrobes. People took them seriously for a few decades. LOVELY PROM TONIGHT In praise of betting shops, Where Corals Lie. 'THE DOTTY WORLD OF MUSIC NOTATION' By James Kelso “Mein Gott. If I had read this when starting out, maybe I become someone, instead of being just a bum.” L. von Beethoven (Leslie not Ludwig.) SKY GLASS TV QUITS RANDOMLY, REPEATEDLY I am not a hate-filled man But then I bought Sky Glass As I age I do not rage But then I bought Sky Glass Rarely felt the urge to kill But then I bought Sky Glass Peaceable I’d say, until the day I bought Sky Glass PUTIN DECLARES Non-stop war on all Droning on forever Whether you-like-it-or-not Zot HERE, WHAT'S THIS? Six Point Percy’s bank account has been closed. Death by a thousand Coutts. IT'S A SHAME THAT, AS ARTISTS LEARNED TO CONCEPTUALISE, they largely gave up on the skill of painting. HE TOOK A BONDING HOLIDAY Just him and his libido Enjoying a sunbed for one At the local lido LETTER OF THE WEEK From the weekly blizzard of post to Et Cetera, letters editor, Peregrine Letterhead, has chosen this: “As Radio Three morphs ever closer to Workers’ Playtime, please bring back Paul - “Wait in the car, Steve!” - Temple. PENIS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD No, pen is mightier than the sword. Ah. NASA'S SHOCK CRICKET ANNOUNCEMENT STUNS LORDS Nasa’s decision to replicate Stonor Cricket Club’s ground on Mars has caused consternation. US Lt General Herzog von Rumblestrip said: “It is the most beautiful cricket ground on earth and some things need to be exported. Stonor’s grumpy groundsman, Tony, said: “Yeah, why not.” OH THE PRESSURE, THE STRAIN Not a girl in the house washed and the street full of sailors. BANKSY DENIES AUTHORSHIP OF SIX POINT PERCY'S Et Cetera column. But then he would, wouldn’t he. UNCONFIRMED! Elon Musk rumoured willing to pay millions for Six Point Percy’s Et Cetera column. Zuckerberg lurking, hovering. BBC PRESENTER HAS LIBIDO. Sun readers in shock! The Daily Spew promises to handle story with sensitivity, tact, generosity and compassion as it did with the McCanns, Stephen Lawrence and Diana. KANN NO VUN VERSTOPPEN VERSTAPPEN? Is gettink too mutch this Dutch Nurburgrings he’s running around us Mayhappen orange is the only fruit SKY GLASS TV CUSTOMER SURVEY VOTED 'WORST SURVEY IN HISTORY, PRE-HISTORY AND BEFORE THAT' Incomprehensible, hard to read, too many questions, too long. Aaron Sorkin has been asked to translate it into English. Major studios rumoured to be bidding for film rights. Many customers demanding their ’15 minutes’ filling-in time back. Sky too shamed to respond. 'Heads will roll,' says head of Head Rolling Department. 317-PAGE REPORT BY THE COMMISSION FOR EQUALITY IN THE Conservative Party is damning. Their spokesman, Skinn O’Thickke, said: ‘Yes, like our best batsmen, it is pretty hard hitting. But Rupert and his Daily Spews will soon sweep all that away. It will blow over, like women’s suffrage.’ BRING YON JOHNSON-MAN BACK Duplicitous, venal, borderline penal. Who better to lead the poor dears The first battalion Brexiteers. HE ACCEPTED ONE OF BOZO'S HONOURS Then fired a bullet through his left temple. It exited his right temple. And having encountered no resistance, did him no harm. HE FANCIES HIMSELF AS CHURCHILL They’re both speech writers. Churchill is up there with the world’s greatest. Boris, by contrast, excels at what goes on the page. But has no idea what comes off the page, its effect, in other words. As a result, his legacy so far is Brexit. But he’s still young. He has plenty of damage in him yet. Half the country is swivel-eyed enough to want him back. So let him come back. He has damage to spare. THE DAILY TELEGRAPH'S Up for sale, up for sale Potential buyers please Goose-step this way FORMULA ONE'S DILEMMA There aren't enough Adrian Neweys to go round. THIS IS LATIMER ROAD PAUL DACRE DID NOT STAB STEPHEN LAWRENCE TO DEATH But he's hacked away at the corpse ever since. CONTINUED FROM PAGE ONE FACTS OF LIFE Grandad, could you tell me the facts of life, please? Certainly, Charlie, what do you want to know? Well, babies and things. Right ho. Chaps, as you know, come equipped with, let’s politely call it, a todger. In time, this takes on a life of its own. Every now and then it goes through a phase transition, from soft to hard. Later in life a similar thing happens to his hearing. Seizing the moment, the owner introduces said member to a lady of his choice - or, more likely, to any lady who looks passing agreeable. This part, I should point out, can be deucedly difficult and time consuming. The deed done, however, the gent in question usually exits left while there follows a certain amount of dark arts and sleight of hand which need not concern you. Then, abracadabra, some good while later, possibly long after you’ve forgotten the preliminaries, infants emerge, usually one by one. It’s all rather neat really. Little ones, I should add, can be a handful early on - it’s best to get some help to begin with. Females can be useful here. Ah, I wondered what they were for. The young generally become more tractable by the time they’ve learned to smoke. And that’s about it really. Well, thanks Pops. That was really helpful. I’ve biology next week and I want to be on top of my game. By the way, what was the score at tea? "AND SOME GRAPES IF THEY'RE ON OFFER..." ART Much art is a painter’s statement. I prefer work where the paint does the talking, not the artist, said someone. TWO MORAL LEADERS OF THE WESTERN WORLD President ‘Grab Pussy’ and Tampon Charlie. THEY’RE BROWN, LET ‘EM DROWN The proposed new slogan for Vote Leave, Leave.EU, and ERG. THE PENNY MORDAUNT SHOW Aka the coronation. The Leader of the House of Commons was magnificent. I haven't been so excited since I saw Russell Crowe in Gladiator. Those triceps... THE TRUE PURPOSE OF ART IS TO BE MEANINGLESS AND UNNECESSARY GUESS THE ART CRITIC Highly knowledgeable, often insightful, always spiteful. Confuses petulance with perspicacity, meanness with meaning, rudeness with shrewdness. Male, of course, as in malevolent; jokes, gags, a grin, a smile to please a child, come there none. Known in the trade as the Gerald Ratner of art critics. Hates art and most artists but, aw shucks, it’s a living. WHO ON EARTH IS, WAS, WILL BE, SIX POINT PERCY? PHYSICS 1: There are five basic states of matter: Solid, Liquid, Gas, Plasma, and Doesn't. HE SHOULDN'T-A, HADN'T-A, OUGHN'T-A SWANG... HOW BORIS JOHNSON BECAME ARCHIE RICE Johnson will always get votes when he puts himself forward. Brits love a buffoon, especially a gold-plated toff. The romance will cool. He’ll always be worth a headline, roaming the world on the entertainer circuit, after-dinner speaking, collecting over-priced fees, rehashing his Peppa pig speeches. Happy as Larry. Happy as Laurence Olivier as Archie Rice, the failing third-rate music-hall act. Perfect casting. THIS I KNOW OF PHYSICS Quantum theory And general relativity Are incompatible. And a pint of water weighs A pound and a quarter THE WIDOWER The day he Was widowed Two people died His wife, his life, His entire inside "ET QUELQUES RAISINS S'ILS SONT OFFERTS..." CLARKSON Clarkson farming Gets much praise. At his name we hum The Marseillaise GRAND DESIGNS Book-less, picture-less. Bannister-less stairs. Barren as Arran. Off-spring hates Can’t bring friends home House intimidates. FAVOURITE ARTISTS I'm one of the fans Of the Vans I very much lyck Dyck and Eyck RADIO 3 What is it that ails thee? Trailers abound Amid off-putting ads For BBC Sounds TAKE THAT BEETHOVEN Farage turns his back on the Ode to Joy. Ouch! Hitler, not to be outdone, Had it played in Auschwitz! CHORAL EVENSONG Still going strong A lot of palaver Read by Father Cadaver DAZED She had the dazed look common to parents of teenage percussionists. DRESSING During lovemaking he insisted on swapping clothes. This made her very cross. TRAFALGAR Landseer's lions In the square See the 4th plinth And despair DUPUYTRENS Listening to his piano-playing she wondered if and when Dupuytrens might strike. "UND EINIGE TRAUBEN, WENN SIE ANGEBOTEN SIND..." MOUTHWASH It's been said Elon Musk is so rich he could afford to pay Paul Dacre’s monthly mouthwash bill. MEMORY What was that famous 20th century sexy novel? It began with some old guy in bed with his catapult when the archbishop called? CLASSICAL MUSIC Is much of venerated classical music repetitive, formulaic, and dull? I’m thinking mainly of the symphonic repetoire. I listen to those afternoon, clap-in-the-wrong-place concerts. And I wonder. Am I alone? REPAIR I took the UK to The Repair Shop They said nothing could be done It’s broken beyond repair, stop Something's made it come undone REMINISCE Was it Ozymandias Who used to play for Spurs? No, that was Ossie Ardiles He was mighty Your man Dias never had a kick Though that’s a bit unfair We supported Fulham So were always in despair PAY ATTENTION TO PERFECTION J.S. Bach said hark The herald angel sings on high. Fitzgerald, E., Ev’ry time We say goodbye. WHEN WAS IT? When we lost the bottle of Britain? When the many beat the Few? When we were split down the middle? Phew, I wish I knew. SCOTS GNATS I’ve an idea To spare the red deer. Let’s stalk midges Instead. Let’s fill up our fridges Baps and sandwiches With the chironomidae, Dead. I itch to dispatch them Catch them and scratch them. I lust for their Blood running red. Out with the venison In with the benison For Scotland, my neck And ma heid. "NA BAADHI YA ZABIBU IKIWA INA OFA..." THE PAINTER Once he’d seen his oeuvre In the Louvre Pendant at the Nat and in The Met And been thrilled to bittzi When it dangled in Uffizi And known how sublime it Was to Guggenheim it And swooned into a coma When he made it into Moma With red spots like measles On the product of his easels And when a bit of wall space He did squidge, In darkest Russia’s Splendid Hermitage, He chucked his beret on the fire For man can reach no higher And having made his mark He spent the day at Kempton Park. ESSEX ACCENT Where-a be yer gooin’? I baint-a gooin’ nowhere I just-a cumming baack. jim@kelso.co.uk - 07881 908903 GALLERY |