Et CeteraFOR EVERY 100 AMERICANS, 120 GUNS The Guardian
Americans are a very frightened race. 2.30am IN JR HOSPITAL. Nurse shakes sleeping patient awake. 'Would you. like me to remove your dentures?' 'Madam, these are my own teeth.' THE SAD WHITE LAB OF WATLINGTON Haunts the High Street In the early hours Dragged by its owner, Too fast for its ancient legs, Head torch blinking distress We love our pets BACK IN THE GERMAN 30s Did the burghers of Munich Think the nazis would lead To Auschwitz? Not for a moment Would I vote Reform? Not for a moment Not for a moment DANCE IS NOT SOMETHING FRED ASTAIRE DOES. It happens to him, like a fit of the giggles. Susannah Clapp, The Observer RUPERT MURDOCH CONFESSES! But no one believes him! Every hack, every lie, every scam, the lot! Making it the most-read front page in newspaper history. Collect it for your records - it'll be worth a fortune.one day. The big question - will he be pseud? DAD DAD WAS A POET A versifier, a rhymer of renown Not in the league Of the Swan of Avon But even so, not bard TRUMP & VANCE Soiled their pants And soiled the Oval office What was cherished Has now perished IF YOU ONLY READ ONE MORE BOOK Make sure it is Nexus by Yuval Noah Harari. Or Going Nuclear by Tim Gregory. IN BIBLICAL TIMES There were, of course, No bibles. They came later, Centuries later. Introducing Gods And other odds and sods, And that, pray, Is where we are today. SO, DON BABY, When was America great? Was it during the Vietnam war? When full of strength and might We set that little naked girl alight? YOU KNOW THAT MAN UPON THE STAIR That famous bloke who wasn’t there? He wasn’t there again today. I wish to hell he’d go away. IS DOUBLES DOWN A PLACE? If so, where is it? HAVE YOU NOTICED How some correspondents to newspapers fall in love with their own words.? They write repeatedly. An example is the Keith Fletter’s page in the Grauniad. WILL LEWIS Englishman, publishes the ghost of the Washington Post. POETRY Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads. Marianne Moore, poet. THERE'S MORE PSYCHOLOGICAL INSIGHT in a square centimetre of John Singer Sargent than in the whole of Francis Bacon’s oeuvre. FRANCIS BACON AT THE NPG Given the artist is illustrating the Sigmund Freud play book. And Freud’s theory of ‘medicalised Christianity’ no longer holds sway, is it time to review the painter’s status? Or at least some of the rasher works? Would Freud’s ‘abusive’ investigative methods be given licence to practise today? BE GLAD RUSSIA AND CHINA ARE REPRESSED Imagine where we'd be if their free creativity was unleashed.. JERUSALEM BY SIMON SEBAG MONTEFIORE Magnficent. Masterly. 800pp. I had not thought death had undone so many. TSE 40% OF INTERNET SEARCHES Are for porn (report says) Given porn is pictures Does that make porn l’art du jour? If so, so what? UKRAINE The saddest thing about Putin’s little hobby war Is the dead are just as dead As in all wars before PUTIN THE WARMONGER Not getting any younger What lies in waiting Even more hating? I AM NOT PUTTING THE KNOCK ON DOLLS. It's just that they are something to have around only when they come in handy...like cough drops.. Sky Masterson, Guys and Do;;s I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD That floats on high o'er vales and hills, And all at once, in all my annals, I saw a crowd of solar panels BREXIT BROKE BRITAIN Into leave or remain Will it ever be put Together again? SIX POINT PERCY SIGHTED AT WATLINGTON ARTWEEKS United Nations informed., NATO alerted. IT'S ALL CHANGE AT THE GARRICKY GARRICK The bouncers are slinging them in. PRESS ON Rupert pays another whack To those he says he didn’t hack Things it seems are still a-mutter Down in Murdoch's slimy gutter TRUMP Denies the insurrection It’s hard for him to bear It’s hard for him to see What's obviously there I WAS UP TO MY NECK IN A POTHOLE Reflecting on life as you do When I saw the lifeboat Coming towards me Crater love hath no man WE HAD A BRIEF ENCOUNTER With honour and decency But it never really was us. Us is Liz Truss, the gutter press, Brexit, and seizing every chance To sing tragedy chants. OL' MAN SEWAGE That ol' man sewage Spreading spillage Around the village It’s something Thames Water Really oughter… GARRICKY, GARRICKY, GARRICKY, GARRICK, Dwells within a macho barrack Protected from the feminine curse Until it’s time for goodnight nurse TREE ME, GOD AT LEAST HER GRAVY USED TO MOVE ABOUT A BIT Tony Hancock IF TRUMP HAD TEN MEN LIKE CLOUSSEAU He could destroy the world. THE GRAINS OF SPACE Separate apace When so distant Light can’t reach 'em It's goodnight Mrs Beecham I DON'T UNDERSTAND GENERAL RELATIVITY I don’t understand quantum physics I'm thick as two Plancks IS THE BREAKFAST BAR AT PAUL'S RESTAURANT, Haymarket Hotel, Central Stockholm, the best breakfast bar in Europe? The world? RADIO 3, THE HOME OF REPETITIVE, ON-AIR PROMOS Claiming excellence, never demonstrating it. ADAM ELSHEIMER MAY BE 'THE MAN' His miracle multitudes, On tiny copper sheets, Aren’t easy on the eyes. Personally I can't bridge The bridge of size WE WATCHED THE UK Fall to bitz We could have left it To the blitz WRITERS ON ART Against all odds Spend lots of time Walloping cods THE N-U-S-A The clench-ed fist The grab-ed pussy The N-U-S-A Is on its way MY BRILLIANT, OVERPRICED NEW READING LAMP It's so bright I can see how ugly it is. BREXIT'S SUCCESS Will never be forgot Remind me again BBC VERSUS SIX POINT PERCY The longest copyright dispute in British legal history. THE DAILY MALE At school Dacre learned the 'C' word. It was all he ever needed. He became a famous editor. Totally succeeded. Fame and fortune followed. Right to the end, you see. Even today his name lives on, from ‘C’ to shining ‘C’. IS FRANCIS BACON ILLUSTRATING Sigmund Freud? Would Sigmund Freud be allowed to practise today? THE MORAL RIGHT OF THIS AUTHOR IS DETESTED CHURCH OF ENGLAND Umpteen followers, zero believers. No one will behead you if you set fire to the War Cry. Light up at will. MAR-A-LAGO-ITIS Symptoms, red neck, loss of vision, withdrawal from world and human race, excess of bile and hatred, highly contagious, no known cure, listed in DSM5. MORE HOT IN NUMBER 5 PLEASE CONCERT Her first Prom nearly deafened the maiden. NUT CASES Freud peddling medicalised Christianity. Jung believing in exploding wardrobes. RECITAL IN PRAISE OF BETTING SHOPS Where Corals Lie. 'THE DOTTY WORLD OF MUSIC NOTATION' by James Kelso “Mein Gott. If I had read this when starting out, maybe I 'd become somebody, instead of being just a bum.” L. von Beethoven (Leslie not Ludwig.) SKY GLASS TV I am not a hate-filled man But then I bought Sky Glass As I age I do not rage But then I bought Sky Glass Rarely felt the urge to kill But then I bought Sky Glass Peaceable I’d say, until the day I bought Sky Glass LETTER OF THE WEEK As Radio Three morphs ever closer to Workers’ Playtime, please bring back Paul -“Wait in the car, Steve!” - Temple. PENIS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD No, pen is mightier than the sword. Ah. NASA'S SHOCK CRICKET ANNOUNCEMENT STUNS LORDS Nasa’s decision to replicate Stonor Cricket Club’s ground on Mars causes consternation. US Lt General Herzog von Rumblestrip said: “It is the most beautiful cricket ground on earth. And some things need to be exported." Stonor’s grumpy groundsman, Tony, said: “Yeah, why not.” PRESSURE Not a girl in the house washed and the street full of sailors. BANKSY DENIES AUTHORSHIP OF SIX POINT PERCY'S Et Cetera column. KANN NO VUN VERSTOPPEN VERSTAPPEN? Is gettink too mutch this Dutch Nurburgrings he’s running around us Mayhappen orange is the only fruit THE DAILY TELEGRAPH'S Up for sale, up for sale, potential buyers goose-step this way. FORMULA ONE'S DILEMMA There aren't enough Adrian Neweys to go round. THIS IS LATIMER ROAD AND SOME GRAPES IF THEY'RE ON OFFER. THEY’RE BROWN, LET ‘EM DROWN Vote Leave's new slogan.. THE PURPOSE OF ART IS TO BE UNNECESSARY NAME THE ART CRITIC Highly knowledgeable, often insightful, always spiteful. Confuses petulance with perspicacity, meanness with meaning, rudeness with shrewdness. Male, of course, as in malevolent. Jokes, gags, a grin, a smile to please a child, come there none. Known in the trade as the Gerald Ratner of art critics. Hates art and most artists but, aw shucks, it’s a living. WHO IS, WAS, WILL BE, THE NEXT SIX POINT PERCY? PHYSICS 1: There are five basic states of matter: Solid, Liquid, Gas, Plasma, and Doesn't. HE SHOULDN'T-A, HADN'T-A, OUGHN'T-NA SWANG... HOW BORIS JOHNSON BECAME ARCHIE RICE He rehashes his Peppa pig speeches. Happy as Larry. Happy as Laurence Olivier as Archie Rice, the failing third-rate music-hall act. Perfect casting. THIS I KNOW OF PHYSICS Quantum theory And general relativity Are incompatible. And a pint of water weighs A pound and a quarter "ET QUELQUES RAISINS S'ILS SONT OFFERTS..." GRAND DESIGNS Book-less, picture-less. Bannister-less stairs. Barren as Arran. Off-springs hate Can’t bring friends home House intimidates. FAVOURITE ARTISTS I'm one of the fans Of the Vans I very much lyck Dyck and Eyck CHORAL EVENSONG Still going strong A lot of palaver Read by Father Cadaver SHE HAD THE DAZED LOOK common to parents of teenage percussionists. TRAFALGAR Landseer's lions In the square View the 4th plinth And despair DUPUYTRENS Listening to his piano-playing she wondered if and when Dupuytrens might strike. "UND EINIGE TRAUBEN, WENN SIE ANGEBOTEN SIND..." MOUTHWASH It's said Elon Musk is so rich he could afford to pay Paul Dacre's mouthwash bill. MEMORY What was that famous 20th century sexy novel? It began with an old person in bed with his catapult when the archbishop called? REPAIR I took the UK to the Repair Shop They said nothing could be done It's broken beyond repair stop Something's made it come undone. REMINISCE Was it Ozymandias Who used to play for Spurs? No, that was Ossie Ardiles He was mighty Your man Dias never had a kick Though that’s a bit unfair We supported Fulham So were always in despair PAY ATTENTION TO PERFECTION J.S. Bach said hark The herald angel sings on high. Fitzgerald, E., Ev’ry time We say goodbye. WHEN WAS IT We lost the bottle of Britain? When the many beat the Few? When we were split down the middle? Phew, I wish I knew. SCOTS GNATS I’ve an idea To spare the red deer. Let’s stalk midges Instead. Let’s fill up our fridges Baps and sandwiches With the chironomidae, Dead. I itch to dispatch them Catch them and scratch them. I lust for their Blood running red. Out with the venison In with the benison For Scotland, my neck And ma heid. "NA BAADHI YA ZABIBU IKIWA INA OFA..." THE PAINTER Once he’d seen his oeuvre In the Louvre Pendant at the Nat and in The Met And been thrilled to bittzi When it dangled in Uffizi And known how sublime it Was to Guggenheim it And swooned into a coma When he made it into Moma With red spots like measles On the product of his easels And when a bit of wall space He did squidge, In darkest Russia’s Splendid Hermitage, He chucked his beret on the fire For man can reach no higher And having made his mark He spent the day at Kempton Park. ESSEX ACCENT Where-a be yer gooin’? I baint-a gooin’ nowhere I just-a cumming baack. 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