Et CeteraTRUMP & VANCE
Soiled their pants And soiled the Oval office What was cherished Has now perished Thanks Mr Trump, Thanks Mr Vance. IF YOU ONLY EVER READ ONE MORE BOOK In your lifetime, make sure it is NEXUS by Yuval Noah Harari. THINGS WERE FINE IN BIBLICAL TIMES When, of course, there were no Bibles They came centuries later, introducing Gods and other odds and sods, All authored, naturally, by blokes. And that, folks I pray, is where we are today. MAGA, SO DON BABY, When was America great? Was it during the Vietnam war? When full of strength and might We set that little naked girl alight? YOU KNOW THAT MAN UPON THE STAIR That famous bloke who wasn’t there? He wasn’t there again today. I wish to hell he’d go away. MUSK IS STAGING A COUP D'ETAT, Coup d'état, coup d'état, Muskie's staging a coup d'état, On his way to becoming Tsar IS DOUBLES DOWN A PLACE? If so, where is it? HAVE YOU NOTICED How some correspondents to newspapers fall in love with their own words.? They write repeatedly. An example is the Keith Fletter’s page in the Grauniad. WIKIPEDIA Now synonymous with begging letters. Was that their intention? ORBITAL Book by Samantha Harvey A new comet sighted in the literary sky. WILL LEWIS Englishman, publishes the ghost of the Washington Post. POETRY Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads. Marianne Moore, poet (15 Nov 1887-1972) EULOGY TO ARTIST AUERBACH, RIP, IN GUARDIAN. So big you cynically wonder if the critic has works to sell. Personally, I didn’t fall under the painter’s spell. He ‘arti-fied’ too much for me. Imposing the latest psychobabble on ordinary representation. I’m pleased for his success and adulation. But I sometimes wonder if, when all his proselytisers have gone, and he was alone with his evening glass of wine, if he didn’t look at his work and think, am I really happy I did that? THERE IS MORE PSYCHOLOGICAL INSIGHT in one square centimetre of a John Singer Sargent painting than in the whole of Francis Bacon’s oeuvre. FRANCIS BACON AT THE NPG Given the artist is illustrating the Sigmund Freud play book. And Freud’s theory of ‘medicalised Christianity’ no longer holds sway, is it time to review the painter’s status? Or at least some of the rasher works? Would Freud’s ‘abusive’ investigative methods be given licence to practise today? BE GLAD RUSSIA AND CHINA ARE REPRESSED Imagine where we'd be if their free creativity was unleashed.. JERUSALEM BY SIMON SEBAG MONTEFIORE Magnficent. Masterly. 800pp. I had not thought death had undone so many. TSE 40% OF INTERNET SEARCHES Are for porn (report says) Given porn is pictures Does that make porn l’art du jour? If so, so what? UKRAINE The saddest thing about Putin’s little hobby war Is the dead are just as dead As in all wars before SKY MASTERSON I am not putting the knock on dolls. It's just that they are something to have around only when they come in handy...like cough drops.. Guys and Do;;s DONALD, BABY They were hot dogs, not pets. I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD That floats on high o'er vales and hills, And all at once, in all my annals, I saw a crowd of solar panels PERMISSIONS By using this website you agree to its terms conditions, stipulations, provisions and clauses. Mattress not included. BREXIT BROKE BRITAIN Into leave or remain Can anything put it Together again? SIX POINT PERCY SIGHTED AT WATLINGTON ARTWEEKS United Nations informed., NATO alerted. IT'S ALL CHANGE AT THE GARRICKY GARRICK The bouncers are slinging them in. PRESS ON Rupert pays another whack To those he says he didn’t hack Things are still a-mutter Down in the gutter GRUMP He denies the insurrection It’s hard for him to bear It’s hard for him to see What's obviously there I WAS UP TO MY NECK IN A POTHOLE Reflecting on life as you do When I saw the lifeboat Coming towards me Crater love hath no man WE ONCE HAD A BRIEF ENCOUNTER With honour and decency But it never really was us. Us is Liz Truss, the gutter press, Brexit, and seizing every chance To sing tragedy chants. OL' MAN SEWAGE That ol' man sewage Spreading spillage Around the village It’s something Thames Water Really oughter… GARRICKY, GARRICKY, GARRICKY, GARRICK, Dwells within a macho barrack Protected from the feminine curse Until it’s time for goodnight nurse TREE ME, GOD PUTIN WON THE FAKE ELECTION Of that there’s no disputing Russia did as it was bid The land simply slid AT LEAST HER GRAVY USED TO MOVE ABOUT A BIT IF TRUMP HAD TEN MEN LIKE CLOUSSEAU he could destroy the world. THE GRAINS OF SPACE Separate apace When so distant Light can’t reach 'em It's goodnight Mrs Beecham I DON'T UNDERSTAND GENERAL RELATIVITY I don’t understand quantum physics I'm thick as two Plancks CHEEKS TO THE LEFT, CHEEKS TO THE RIGHT And in between, George Galloway THE BREAKFAST BAR AT PAUL'S RESTAURANT, Haymarket Hotel, Central Stockholm, is the best breakfast bar in Europe? The world? R3, THE HOME OF REPETITIVE, ON-AIR PROMOS Claiming excellence, never demonstrating it. ADAM ELSHEIMER MAY BE 'THE MAN' His miracle multitudes, On tiny copper sheets, Aren’t easy on the eyes. I can't bridge The bridge of size WE WATCH THE UK Fall to bitz We could have left it To the blitz WRITERS ON ART Against all odds Spend lots of time Walloping cods THE N-U-S-A The clench-ed fist The grab-ed pussy The N-U-S-A Is on its way MY BRILLIANT, OVERPRICED NEW READING LAMP is so bright I can see how ugly it is. BREXIT'S SUCCESS Will never be forgot The pain will ever remain. BBC VERSUS SIX POINT PERCY The longest copyright dispute in British legal history. THE DAILY MALE At school he learned the 'C' word. It was all he needed. He became a famous editor. Totally succeeded. Fame and fortune followed. Right to the end, you see. Even today his name lives on, from ‘C’ to shining ‘C’. IS FRANCIS BACON SIMPLY ILLUSTRATING Sigmund Freud? Would Sigmund Freud be allowed to practise today? What's the source of Picasso's misogyny? CRITIC AT A LOSS “Andrew Wyeth paints using baby poo brown.” When a critic issues insults rather than insights you know the work is beyond them. THE MORAL RIGHT OF THIS AUTHOR IS DETESTED JOHNSON, B. The man who put the teers into Brexit. LABOUR MANIFESTO-HO-HO Do what you can for the working person. Get rid of yobbo, red Robbo. CHURCH OF ENGLAND Umpteen followers, zero believers. No one will behead you if you set fire to the War Cry. Light up at will. SPANISH FA CHIEF, HAL ITOSIS, REGRETS kissing SirJohn Eliot Gardener on the lips. MAR-A-LAGO-ITIS Symptoms, red neck, loss of vision, withdrawal from world and human race, excess of bile and hatred, highly contagious, no known cure, listed in DSM5. MORE HOT IN NUMBER 5 PLEASE CONCERT Her first Prom nearly deafened the maiden. NUT CASES Freud peddling medicalised Christianity. Jung believing in exploding wardrobes. TONIGHT'S RECITAL IN PRAISE OF BETTING SHOPS Where Corals Lie. 'THE DOTTY WORLD OF MUSIC NOTATION' “Mein Gott. If I had read this when starting out, maybe I become someone, instead of being just a bum.” L. von Beethoven (Leslie not Ludwig.) SKY GLASS TV I am not a hate-filled man But then I bought Sky Glass As I age I do not rage But then I bought Sky Glass Rarely felt the urge to kill But then I bought Sky Glass Peaceable I’d say, until the day I bought Sky Glass LETTER OF THE WEEK As Radio Three morphs ever closer to Workers’ Playtime, please bring back Paul -“Wait in the car, Steve!” - Temple. PENIS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD No, pen is mightier than the sword. Ah. NASA'S SHOCK CRICKET ANNOUNCEMENT STUNS LORDS Nasa’s decision to replicate Stonor Cricket Club’s ground on Mars causes consternation. US Lt General Herzog von Rumblestrip said: “It is the most beautiful cricket ground on earth. And some things need to be exported." Stonor’s grumpy groundsman, Tony, said: “Yeah, why not.” THE PRESSURE Not a girl in the house washed and the street full of sailors. BANKSY DENIES AUTHORSHIP OF SIX POINT PERCY'S Et Cetera column. But then he would, wouldn’t he. KANN NO VUN VERSTOPPEN VERSTAPPEN? Is gettink too mutch this Dutch Nurburgrings he’s running around us Mayhappen orange is the only fruit BRING YON JOHNSON-MAN BACK Duplicitous, venal, borderline penal. Who better to lead the poor dears, the first battalion Brexiteers. THE DAILY TELEGRAPH'S Up for sale, up for sale, potential buyers goose-step this way. FORMULA ONE'S DILEMMA There aren't enough Adrian Neweys to go round. THIS IS LATIMER ROAD CONTINUED FROM PAGE ONE "AND SOME GRAPES IF THEY'RE ON OFFER..." THEY’RE BROWN, LET ‘EM DROWN Vote Leave's new slogan.. THE PURPOSE OF ART IS TO BE UNNECESSARY NAME THE ART CRITIC Highly knowledgeable, often insightful, always spiteful. Confuses petulance with perspicacity, meanness with meaning, rudeness with shrewdness. Male, of course, as in malevolent. Jokes, gags, a grin, a smile to please a child, come there none. Known in the trade as the Gerald Ratner of art critics. Hates art and most artists but, aw shucks, it’s a living. WHO IS, WAS, WILL BE, THE NEXT SIX POINT PERCY? PHYSICS 1: There are five basic states of matter: Solid, Liquid, Gas, Plasma, and Doesn't. HE SHOULDN'T-A, HADN'T-A, OUGHN'T-A SWANG... HOW BORIS JOHNSON BECAME ARCHIE RICE He rehashes his Peppa pig speeches. Happy as Larry. Happy as Laurence Olivier as Archie Rice, the failing third-rate music-hall act. Perfect casting. THIS I KNOW OF PHYSICS Quantum theory And general relativity Are incompatible. And a pint of water weighs A pound and a quarter "ET QUELQUES RAISINS S'ILS SONT OFFERTS..." GRAND DESIGNS Book-less, picture-less. Bannister-less stairs. Barren as Arran. Off-springs hate Can’t bring friends home House intimidates. FAVOURITE ARTISTS I'm one of the fans Of the Vans I very much lyck Dyck and Eyck CHORAL EVENSONG Still going strong A lot of palaver Read by Father Cadaver SHE HAD THE DAZED LOOK common to parents of teenage percussionists. TRAFALGAR Landseer's lions In the square View the 4th plinth And despair DUPUYTRENS Listening to his piano-playing she wondered if and when Dupuytrens might strike. "UND EINIGE TRAUBEN, WENN SIE ANGEBOTEN SIND..." MOUTHWASH It's said Elon Musk is so rich he could afford to pay Paul Dacre's monthly mouthwash bill. MEMORY What was that famous 20th century sexy novel? It began with an old person in bed with his catapult when the archbishop called? REPAIR I took the UK to the Repair Shop They said nothing could be done It's broken beyond repair stop Something's made it come undone. REMINISCE Was it Ozymandias Who used to play for Spurs? No, that was Ossie Ardiles He was mighty Your man Dias never had a kick Though that’s a bit unfair We supported Fulham So were always in despair PAY ATTENTION TO PERFECTION J.S. Bach said hark The herald angel sings on high. Fitzgerald, E., Ev’ry time We say goodbye. WHEN WAS IT We lost the bottle of Britain? When the many beat the Few? When we were split down the middle? Phew, I wish I knew. SCOTS GNATS I’ve an idea To spare the red deer. Let’s stalk midges Instead. Let’s fill up our fridges Baps and sandwiches With the chironomidae, Dead. I itch to dispatch them Catch them and scratch them. I lust for their Blood running red. Out with the venison In with the benison For Scotland, my neck And ma heid. "NA BAADHI YA ZABIBU IKIWA INA OFA..." THE PAINTER Once he’d seen his oeuvre In the Louvre Pendant at the Nat and in The Met And been thrilled to bittzi When it dangled in Uffizi And known how sublime it Was to Guggenheim it And swooned into a coma When he made it into Moma With red spots like measles On the product of his easels And when a bit of wall space He did squidge, In darkest Russia’s Splendid Hermitage, He chucked his beret on the fire For man can reach no higher And having made his mark He spent the day at Kempton Park. ESSEX ACCENT Where-a be yer gooin’? I baint-a gooin’ nowhere I just-a cumming baack. [email protected] - 07881 908903 GALLERY |