JAMES KELSO
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HOW BORIS JOHNSON BECAME ARCHIE RICE 
Johnson will always garner votes whenever he puts himself forward. The Brits love a clown, especially if he’s a toff. But gradually the love affair will cool. He’ll always be worth a headline, travelling the world on the after-dinner speaking circuit, collecting huge fees for rehashing his Peppa pig speeches. Happy as Larry, happy as Laurence Olivier as Archie Rice, the failing third-rate music-hall act. Perfect casting.

THIS I KNOW OF PHYSICS 
Quantum theory 
And general relativity 
Are incompatible. 
And a pint of water weighs 
A pound and a quarter 
​
THE WIDOW

The day he 
Was widowed  
Two people died 
One kept breathing 
Unloved,
Unliving.

CLARKSON
Clarkson farming
Gets much praise.
At his name
I hum the ​Marseillaise

​GRAND DESIGNS
Book-less, picture-less.
Bannister-less stairs.
Barren as Arran.
Off-spring hates
Can’t bring friends home
House Intimidates.

FAVOURITE ARTISTS
​
I'm one of the fans
Of the Vans
I very much lyck
Dyck and Eyck
​
​RADIO 3

What is it that ails thee?
Trailers abound
Amid off-putting ads
For BBC Sounds

​​TAKE THAT BEETHOVEN
Farage turns his back on the
Ode to Joy. Ouch!
Hitler, not to be outdone,
Had it played in Auschwitz!

​CHORAL EVENSONG
Still going strong
A lot of palaver
Read by
​Father Cadaver

​DAZED
She had the dazed look common to parents of teenage percussionists.

DRESSING
During lovemaking he insisted on swapping clothes. This made her very cross.

TRAFALGAR
Landseer's lions
In the square 
See the 4th plinth
And despair

DUPUYTRENS

Listening to his piano-playing she wondered if and when Dupuytrens might strike.

MOUTHWASH
Elon Musk is so rich It is said he could afford to pay Paul Dacre’s monthly mouthwash bill.

MY MEMORY
What was that famous 20th century sexy novel? It began with some old guy in bed with his catapult when the archbishop called?
 
CLASSICAL MUSIC
Is much of venerated classical music repetitive, formulaic, and dull? I’m thinking mainly of the symphonic repetoire. I listen to those afternoon, clap-in-the-wrong-place concerts. And I wonder. Am I alone?
 
REPAIR
I took the UK to The Repair Shop
They said nothing could be done 
It’s broken beyond repair, stop
Something's made it come undone


REMINISCE
Was it Ozymandias
Who used to play for Spurs?
No, that was Ossie Ardiles
He was mighty
Your man Dias never had a kick
Though that’s a bit unfair
We supported Fulham
So were always in despair

PAY ATTENTION TO PERFECTION
J.S. Bach said hark
The herald angel sings on high.
Fitzgerald, E., Ev’ry time
We say goodbye.
 
WHEN WAS IT?
When we lost the bottle of Britain?
When the m
any beat the Few?
When we were split down the middle?
Phew, I wish I knew.


SCOTS GNATS
I’ve an idea
To spare the red deer.
Let’s stalk midges
Instead.
 
Let’s fill up our fridges
Baps and sandwiches
With the chironomidae,
Dead.
 
I itch to dispatch them
Catch them and scratch them.
I lust for their
Blood running red.
 
Out with the venison
In with the benison
For Scotland, my neck
And ma heid.

THE PAINTER
Once he’d seen his oeuvre
In the Louvre
Pendant at the Nat and in
The Met
And been thrilled to bittzi
When it dangled in Uffizi
And known how sublime it
Was to Guggenheim it
And swooned into a coma
When he made it into Moma
With red spots like measles
On the product of his easels
And when a bit of wall space
He did squidge,
In darkest Russia’s
Splendid Hermitage,
He chucked his beret on the fire
For man can reach no higher
And having made his mark
He spent the day at
Kempton Park.
 
ESSEX ACCENT 
Where-a be yer gooin’? 
I baint-a gooin’ nowhere
​
I just-a cumming baack.
 

 

 
jim@kelso.co.uk - 07881 908903
​GALLERY







  • Home
  • About JK
  • Gallery 1
    • Dune
    • The Winter's Tale
    • The Raft
    • Vespers
    • Dupuytrens
    • Farewell to Stockevik
    • Gallery 2
    • Gran Via
    • Carriers
    • Isolation
    • La Malvinie
    • 16 Walpole
    • The Ghost Tanker
    • The Shipping Forecast
    • The Didcot Interpretation
    • Site
    • Lake Keitele
    • Tom Stoppard
    • The Maybe Man
    • Double Self Portrait With Knees
    • Post Ironic Iron Horse
    • Terminus
    • Cleared to Land
    • Matins
    • The Worm Forgives the Plough
    • Isolation
    • Red Spotty
    • Landed
  • Prints
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • Landed
  • Et Cetera