Et CeteraGARRICKY, GARRICKY, GARRICKY, GARRICK,
Dwells within a macho barrack Protected from the feminine curse Until it’s time for goodnight nurse TREE ME, GOD PUTIN WON THE FAKE ELECTION Of that there’s no disputing Russia did as it was bid The land simply slid AT LEAST HER GRAVY USED TO MOVE ABOUT A BIT GIVE ME TEN MEN LIKE CLOUSSEAU And I could destroy the world THE GRAINS OF SPACE Separate apace When so distant Light can’t reach 'em It's goodnight Mrs Beecham I DON'T UNDERSTAND GENERAL RELATIVITY I don’t understand quantum physics I'm thick as two Plancks CHEEKS TO THE LEFT, CHEEKS TO THE RIGHT And in between, George Galloway THE BREAKFAST BAR AT PAUL'S RESTAURANT, Haymarket Hotel, Central Stockholm, is the best breakfast bar in Europe? The world? R3, THE HOME OF REPETITIVE, ON-AIR PROMOS Claiming excellence, but not demonstrating it. I'M OLD I dither Put me in a home And let me wither ADAM ELSHEIMER MAY BE 'THE MAN' But his miracle multitudes, On tiny copper canvasses, Aren’t easy on the eyes. Between ourselves, I can't bridge The bridge of size WE WATCH THE UK Fall to bitz We could have left it To the blitz WRITERS ON ART Against all odds Spend lots of time Walloping cods THE NU-S-A The clench-ed fist The grab-ed pussy The NU-S-A Is on its way MY BRILLIANT, OVERPRICED NEW READING LAMP is so bright I can see how ugly it is. CONTROVERSY The world is full of controversy It’s plain for all to see I know from personal experience I rarely agree with me TRUMP WINS IOWA Attempts made to revive Lee Harvey Oswald. BREXIT'S SUCCESS Will never be forgot The pain will ever remain. BBC VERSUS SIX POINT PERCY The longest copyright dispute in British legal history. THE DAILY MALE At school he learned the 'C' word. It was all he needed. He became a famous editor. Totally succeeded. Fame and fortune followed. Right to the end, you see. Even today his name lives on, from ‘C’ to shining ‘C’. IS FRANCIS BACON SIMPLY ILLUSTRATING Sigmund Freud? Would Sigmund Freud be allowed to practise today? What's the source of Picasso's misogyny? CRITIC AT A LOSS “Andrew Wyeth paints using baby poo brown.” When a critic issues insults rather than insights you know the work is beyond their comprehension. THE MORAL RIGHT OF THIS AUTHOR IS DETESTED JOHNSON, B. The man who put the teers into Brexit. TORY MANIFESTO-HO-HO Keep boot on neck of poor. Toss them some welfare when they get restless. LABOUR MANIFESTO-HO-HO Do what you can for the working man. Get rid of the yobbo, red Robbo. CHURCH OF ENGLAND Umpteen followers, zero believers. No one will behead you if you set fire to the War Cry. Light up at will. DIRECTOR OF BRITISH MUSEUM Found stuck to the frieze of the Athens Parthenon. Fears he has lost his marbles. SPANISH FA CHIEF, HAL ITOSIS, REGRETS kissing SirJohn Eliot Gardener on the lips. MAR-A-LAGO-ITIS Symptoms, red neck, loss of vision, withdrawal from world and human race, excess of bile and hatred, highly contagious, no known cure, listed in DSM5. MORE HOT IN NUMBER 5 PLEASE CONCERT Her first Prom nearly deafened the maiden. NUT CASES Freud peddling medicalised Christianity. Jung believing in exploding wardrobes. TONIGHT'S RECITAL IN PRAISE OF BETTING SHOPS Where Corals Lie. 'THE DOTTY WORLD OF MUSIC NOTATION' “Mein Gott. If I had read this when starting out, maybe I become someone, instead of being just a bum.” L. von Beethoven (Leslie not Ludwig.) SKY GLASS TV I am not a hate-filled man But then I bought Sky Glass As I age I do not rage But then I bought Sky Glass Rarely felt the urge to kill But then I bought Sky Glass Peaceable I’d say, until the day I bought Sky Glass WHAT'S THIS? Six Point Percy’s bank account closed. Death by a thousand Coutts. IT'S A SHAME THAT, AS ARTISTS LEARNED TO conceptualise, they gave up on the skill of painting. HE TOOK A BONDING HOLIDAY Him and his libido. Enjoying a sunbed for one. At the local lido. LETTER OF THE WEEK As Radio Three morphs ever closer to Workers’ Playtime, please bring back Paul - “Wait in the car, Steve!” - Temple. PENIS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD No, pen is mightier than the sword. Ah. NASA'S SHOCK CRICKET ANNOUNCEMENT STUNS LORDS Nasa’s decision to replicate Stonor Cricket Club’s ground on Mars causes consternation. US Lt General Herzog von Rumblestrip said: “It is the most beautiful cricket ground on earth. And some things need to be exported." Stonor’s grumpy groundsman, Tony, said: “Yeah, why not.” THE PRESSURE, THE STRAIN Not a girl in the house washed and the street full of sailors. BANKSY DENIES AUTHORSHIP OF SIX POINT PERCY'S Et Cetera column. But then he would, wouldn’t he. KANN NO VUN VERSTOPPEN VERSTAPPEN? Is gettink too mutch this Dutch Nurburgrings he’s running around us Mayhappen orange is the only fruit BRING YON JOHNSON-MAN BACK Duplicitous, venal, borderline penal. Who better to lead the poor dears, the first battalion Brexiteers. THE DAILY TELEGRAPH'S Up for sale, up for sale, potential buyers goose-step this way. FORMULA ONE'S DILEMMA There aren't enough Adrian Neweys to go round. THIS IS LATIMER ROAD CONTINUED FROM PAGE ONE "AND SOME GRAPES IF THEY'RE ON OFFER..." THEY’RE BROWN, LET ‘EM DROWN Vote Leave, Leave.EU, and ERG's new slogan. THE PURPOSE OF ART IS TO BE UNNECESSARY GUESS THE ART CRITIC Highly knowledgeable, often insightful, always spiteful. Confuses petulance with perspicacity, meanness with meaning, rudeness with shrewdness. Male, of course, as in malevolent. Jokes, gags, a grin, a smile to please a child, come there none. Known in the trade as the Gerald Ratner of art critics. Hates art and most artists but, aw shucks, it’s a living. WHO IS, WAS, WILL BE, THE NEXT SIX POINT PERCY? PHYSICS 1: There are five basic states of matter: Solid, Liquid, Gas, Plasma, and Doesn't. HE SHOULDN'T-A, HADN'T-A, OUGHN'T-A SWANG... HOW BORIS JOHNSON BECAME ARCHIE RICE Brits love a buffoon, rehashing his Peppa pig speeches. Happy as Larry. Happy as Laurence Olivier as Archie Rice, the failing third-rate music-hall act. Perfect casting. THIS I KNOW OF PHYSICS Quantum theory And general relativity Are incompatible. And a pint of water weighs A pound and a quarter "ET QUELQUES RAISINS S'ILS SONT OFFERTS..." GRAND DESIGNS Book-less, picture-less. Bannister-less stairs. Barren as Arran. Off-spring hates Can’t bring friends home House intimidates. FAVOURITE ARTISTS I'm one of the fans Of the Vans I very much lyck Dyck and Eyck CHORAL EVENSONG Still going strong A lot of palaver Read by Father Cadaver SHE HAD THE DAZED LOOK common to parents of teenage percussionists. TRAFALGAR Landseer's lions In the square See the 4th plinth And despair DUPUYTRENS Listening to his piano-playing she wondered if and when Dupuytrens might strike. "UND EINIGE TRAUBEN, WENN SIE ANGEBOTEN SIND..." MOUTHWASH It's said Elon Musk is so rich he could afford to pay Paul Dacre's monthly mouthwash bill. MEMORY What was that famous 20th century sexy novel? It began with an old person in bed with his catapult when the archbishop called? REPAIR I took the UK to the Repair Shop They said nothing could be done It's broken beyond repair stop Something's made it come undone. REMINISCE Was it Ozymandias Who used to play for Spurs? No, that was Ossie Ardiles He was mighty Your man Dias never had a kick Though that’s a bit unfair We supported Fulham So were always in despair PAY ATTENTION TO PERFECTION J.S. Bach said hark The herald angel sings on high. Fitzgerald, E., Ev’ry time We say goodbye. WHEN WAS IT We lost the bottle of Britain? When the many beat the Few? When we were split down the middle? Phew, I wish I knew. SCOTS GNATS I’ve an idea To spare the red deer. Let’s stalk midges Instead. Let’s fill up our fridges Baps and sandwiches With the chironomidae, Dead. I itch to dispatch them Catch them and scratch them. I lust for their Blood running red. Out with the venison In with the benison For Scotland, my neck And ma heid. "NA BAADHI YA ZABIBU IKIWA INA OFA..." THE PAINTER Once he’d seen his oeuvre In the Louvre Pendant at the Nat and in The Met And been thrilled to bittzi When it dangled in Uffizi And known how sublime it Was to Guggenheim it And swooned into a coma When he made it into Moma With red spots like measles On the product of his easels And when a bit of wall space He did squidge, In darkest Russia’s Splendid Hermitage, He chucked his beret on the fire For man can reach no higher And having made his mark He spent the day at Kempton Park. ESSEX ACCENT Where-a be yer gooin’? I baint-a gooin’ nowhere I just-a cumming baack. jim@kelso.co.uk - 07881 908903 GALLERY |